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Help! My Grandmother Just Joined Facebook

24 Mar

When I signed into Facebook this morning,* I checked my news feed to see what my friends had been up to over the previous eight or so hours while I was sleeping, wished happy birthday to a few people I hadn’t seen in years and whose birthdays I would never remember if it weren’t for the all-knowing Facebook, updated my status, untagged a couple of unflattering photos, and then checked my news feed again to catch up on everything I had missed while I was Facebooking. You know, the usual routine.

And then the unthinkable happened.

I had a new friend request … FROM MY GRANDMOTHER! How is this possible? My grandmother? On Facebook? Really? Yes. Really.

Remember when Facebook (or thefacebook.com) was a place just for your college friends?  I still do … faintly. “I don’t even know what a quail looks like.”

*I wrote this post a while back and just now came across it unpublished in my drafts. It made me laugh, so I hit publish.

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Another Gem from Grandma: What to Do When There Is Ice on Your Windshield

7 Jan

After I posted the previous email from my grandmother, I remembered this equally amusing message she sent to me in a birthday e-card complete with colorful dancing kitty cats and confetti (yes, she recently discovered email).

Happy Birthday again!  Please be careful this cold weather, especially if there is ice or snow, the roads could be very dangerous, Also clean ice or frost off your windshleld.
love you

Obviously, this advice came before she decided I should have my husband drive me around, seeing as I’m a woman and all. Cars are confusing. What’s a windshield, again?

Watch Out for the Invisible Ice – Wise Words from My Grandmother

7 Jan

As we all know, the southeast is under a winter storm advisory for tonight and tomorrow. And as we all know, people in the southeast are not accustomed to snow and ice and, well, just winter in general. So they go a little crazy. For example, here’s the email that I got from my grandmother before I left work this afternoon:

Hi Are you all predicted to get snow & Ice tomorrow? We are. Hope you won’t try to drive in it.. Can be very dangerous. If you go to work, hope Daniel will drive you,but hope you will not go. Sometimes you can’t see the ice. Love you

If you knew her, you would laugh hysterically and then immediately feel sorry for me. So, be safe out there guys and try to avoid the invisible ice.

Instead of Blogging …

12 Aug

I am watching the Olympics. I LOVE the Olympics. I love the athleticism, the competition, the sportsmanship. I love the excitement and suspense. I love the symbolism, the peace, the unity. I love the back stories of the athletes, the struggles, the obstacles, the overcoming, the realizing the dream. I love the sense of pride for my country I feel when one of ours takes home the gold. I love hearing our national anthem played on an international stage. I love the Olympics. Michael Phelps is my hero. Go Team USA!

Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks

16 Jul

Dave Barry on Restaurants

I have studied American eating preferences for years, and believe me, this is what people want.  They don’t want to go into an unfamiliar restaurant, because they don’t know whether the food will be very bad, or very good, or what.  They want to go into a restaurant that advertises on national television, where they know the food will be mediocre.  ~Dave Barry

I say bring on the unfamiliar.  Who wants mediocre?  Not me (although sometimes I do want soup, salad, and breadsticks from Olive Garden – that national television commercial is just so enticing).

You’re Leaving the House Wearing That? Why, Yes. Yes, I Am.

6 Jul

When I turned 25, or maybe a little before then, I banished all my miniskirts to the back of the closet. I guess my thinking (probably passed down to me from my grandmother) in doing away with the minis was that miniskirts are for teenagers and whores, which am I neither. I guess every time I put on a miniskirt, my grandmother’s voice would pop into my head, “You’re not going to wear that are you? You know what people are going to think about you if you wear that outfit. You don’t want people thinking you’re one of those girls, now do you?” And I would become really self-conscious and change clothes immediately.

Then today, after lying out by the pool all afternoon, I found myself running errands wearing a bikini covered up by a polka-dot tube dress with no reservations. I don’t know why one is okay and the other is not. I guess in my head, the conversation among the little judgmental old ladies went something like this:

Old Lady One (spoken in a thick, Old South drawl): “Oh, my! What is she wearing? A tube dress? Dear heavens, that is worse than a miniskirt. God just don’t make ’em ladies any more, Myrtle.”

Old Lady Two (also spoken in a thick, Old South drawl): “Now, hold on a minute, Edna. I think I see a bathing suit under there. The girl must’ve just came from the pool.”

Old Lady One: “Oh, well in that case, she’s not promiscuous, after all. She’s just working on her tan. Hmm, poor thing is a little pale. Bless her heart. And someone needs to tell her that just because you’re in the water, it don’t mean you can’t put on a little lipstick, now.”

Yes, I’m from the Deep South. Yes, I grew up in a small town. And yes, old ladies in small towns in the Deep South do have these types of conversations. Trust me. I’ve heard them. And I sometimes wonder why I am the way I am.

“Is David Cook a Christian?” and “How Tall is Hoda Kotb?” That’s What You Want to Know?

3 Jul

Just for kicks, I thought I’d share with y’all the most popular search terms that landed people on my blog. Some of them are pretty predictable (American Idol, Eckhart Tolle). And some are just plain weird. Apparently, there are a lot of people out there who want to know how tall Hoda Kotb is and whether or not David Cook is a Christian. A couple of people are interested in finding out how much David Archuleta weighs. I don’t know what they’re going to do with that information, but to each his own. And apparently David Cook has (or did have) a Xanga blog that several people are interested in finding. There are also at least 38 people out there who don’t know how to spell “American.”

So, About Tonight …

20 Jun

So tonight, I had every intention of writing an honest, thoughtful (and possibly thought-provoking) post about life and such. Thoughts and ideas have been swirling around in my head all day, and I just couldn’t wait to get to my laptop and get them all out – lay it all out there and clear my mind. Then, I ended up getting stuck in major traffic (both indoors and on the road) while running errands after work. I came home extremely exhausted and irritated and frustrated and decided to watch last night’s episode of So You Think You Can Dance (which is only THE best reality show ever – those kids are soooo talented, way more so than the American Idols, but I digress). It was a two-hour show, and now it is late … really late. I’m tired. And my brain is mush, utterly incapable of the caffeine-induced intellectual acrobatics it was performing earlier.

So … about tonight, I guess that life-changing, world-shaking blog entry will have to wait until another night. Tonight belonged to Twitch and Comfort and Kherrington and Kourtni and Will and Mark. You entertained me immensely.

Cheeseburger

18 Jun

For lunch today, I ate a cheeseburger. And I really don’t feel bad about it.

That’s all. Have a good day.

Related:

5’9″ and 140 lbs. Does Not a “Big Girl” Make

Belmont Boulevard

17 Jun

Belmont Boulevard,

you are not my friend.

Your cracked, concrete sidewalks

are rough

and hard

and cruel.

Related:

Tomorrow, I’m Running for Blood:Water Mission

Today I start this: