Could I Ever Have Said Enough?

18 Oct

There is something that has been weighing on my mind a lot recently, brought to the forefront by the re-emergence of a guy (I’ll call him B) I used to know. Thank you MySpace. This guy is someone whom I never knew very well, but was always nice to me. I also knew his brother (J), again not very well, but he was always nice to me. I haven’t seen either of them in years. B is serving his second tour in Iraq, God bless him. And J, well J is no longer with us.

This is the part that I can’t get off of my mind. The last time I saw J was probably about five years ago, and about two weeks before he decided to take his own life. Some would say it was a random coincidence that I bumped into him that day when I did, I would disagree with that sentiment.

I had gone out to lunch with a friend when she noticed a guy, who was at this particular restaurant alone, constantly looking in our direction. He looked familiar, but not instantly recognizable. I asked him if we knew each other, and he told me who he was. I remember being somewhat taken aback because I hadn’t seen him in several years, and even then it was just in passing. What happened next is something I will probably never forget.

He began to open up to me, about his life, how bad it had been going, and how he had just moved back home to make a fresh start. He said he knew I had been through a lot in my life and wanted to know how I was able to not let it get me down. We talked a little about joy, and about peace, and about the source of that joy and peace. But I only said a little, and he had to leave, and I thought I would bump into him again. But I didn’t. And I never will. I’ll never get the chance to say all the things I wish I had said, and I may never know if the few things I did say ever made a difference.

Now, there is his brother, who has opened up to me a little in an e-mail. Not much, but just enough to make me believe that this too is not a coincidence. I want so badly to tell him about the last time I saw J and to tell him all the things I never said to his brother. I just don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I have the right words. And I worry, a lot. I worry about IED’s and roadside bombs. I worry that I might miss this second chance.


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